"I adjure you, Daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and the does of the field,
Do not awaken, or stir up love until it is ready."
~ Song of Songs 2:7
What can I say- I am a hopeless romantic.
At the age of thirteen, it brilliantly dawned on me that if I were called to motherhood, I would need a husband. And having a husband one day made my little heart anxious- anxious because it meant that I would someday have to share my life with someone devotedly forever. What if I married someone who stopped loving me at some point in our marriage? What if he wasn’t present to our children? And the thing that frightened me the most: what if he did not have a pure heart?
At the age of thirteen, it brilliantly dawned on me that if I were called to motherhood, I would need a husband. And having a husband one day made my little heart anxious- anxious because it meant that I would someday have to share my life with someone devotedly forever. What if I married someone who stopped loving me at some point in our marriage? What if he wasn’t present to our children? And the thing that frightened me the most: what if he did not have a pure heart?
I knew what I wanted someday in a husband: a strong, loving, romantic, virtuous, gentle, masculine man who would love Abba and seek Him with all of his heart. A man who would not be afraid to feel, to be alive, to be himself. And as I was planning on being his future wife someday, I took it upon myself to pray fervently for him. So at thirteen, I cut out little hearts out of paper and took an empty jar. Throughout the day, I would offer up sacrifices for the man I hoped to love in person one day. After each sacrifice, I would put one of the paper hearts in the jar. The hearts were a tangible reminder of my praying for him, thinking of him. Each heart said I love you and encouraged me in my wait for my prince. How I smiled with satisfaction as I saw the jar become more and more filled with my loving prayers!
Throughout high school, I continued to pray for my future husband. Every mass was offered for him. I thought about him, imagined what he would look like. I would imagine where we would meet, the dates we would go on, the adventures we would have. I thought about how he would encourage me into holiness, how he would protect me, fight for me, do anything to win my heart. How that thrilled me- to think of myself as being desired so badly that a man would do anything to secure my love! Expectantly, I wondered at each man I met, wondering when the day would be that I would meet “the one.” Eager and impatient, I waited and waited.
During the years of singleness, I gradually fell in love with the idea of being a mother and a wife. My heart ached- yearned for the time when I would share my heart with another. My life's purpose seemed to be on hold. When would I be able to share my heart with someone? When would I be able to turn my prayers into more "tangible" acts of love? How I longed for the day when the desires of my heart would be satisfied! When my vocation would be fulfilled!
During the years of singleness, I gradually fell in love with the idea of being a mother and a wife. My heart ached- yearned for the time when I would share my heart with another. My life's purpose seemed to be on hold. When would I be able to share my heart with someone? When would I be able to turn my prayers into more "tangible" acts of love? How I longed for the day when the desires of my heart would be satisfied! When my vocation would be fulfilled!
In college, I prided myself on the fact I was actively loving a man I didn't know. With incredible joy, I would share with people that I had been faithfully praying for my future spouse from such a young age. What a beautiful wife I would make some day! Surely, the man who end up with me would be one blessed hunk!
Finally at the age of twenty, I fell in love and entered my first relationship with a wonderful man. I thought I was ready to love a man- that all my years of prayers for him had somehow prepared my heart for the suffering and selflessness. Boy, was I wrong. How humbling it was to realize that I was really an inexperienced lover. Many, many, many times I failed. Because of my own brokenness I was unable to receive love. Because of my woundedness, I was unable to share my heart. I had thought that I was so ready to give my heart- that I had so much to give. But the reality was that my heart was unable to be vulnerable. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't give my own heart because I needed the Lord to fill me with love to give. We cannot give that which we have not received.
Finally at the age of twenty, I fell in love and entered my first relationship with a wonderful man. I thought I was ready to love a man- that all my years of prayers for him had somehow prepared my heart for the suffering and selflessness. Boy, was I wrong. How humbling it was to realize that I was really an inexperienced lover. Many, many, many times I failed. Because of my own brokenness I was unable to receive love. Because of my woundedness, I was unable to share my heart. I had thought that I was so ready to give my heart- that I had so much to give. But the reality was that my heart was unable to be vulnerable. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't give my own heart because I needed the Lord to fill me with love to give. We cannot give that which we have not received.
For two years, I struggled aimlessly to love. The center of my life was my boyfriend. I tried desperately to please him, to make him happy, to show him that my heart delighted in him. Yet, there was a noticeable disconnect between how much I loved him and how I was able to show him my love. I was stuck in a rut and I couldn't get out.
Something had to change.
Jesus, help me to love. Lend me Your Sacred Heart. I want to love as You love. Heal my heart so that I freely give and receive love.
"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord." ~ Jeremiah 30:17
It became clear that I needed healing...healing that couldn't come while being in a relationship. So we broke up.
I am convinced there is no pain greater than that of a broken heart. For weeks, it felt as if my heart were bleeding and that I was helpless to stop it. I sobbed before the Lord. I was lost in trying to understand how He could let my little heart suffer so much. If He truly knew my heart, He must know how small and fragile it was.
Yet, our God has a funny way of answering our prayers. I prayed for a greater ability to love and He answered by allowing my heart to be broken so that He could rebuild it. I wanted a new heart, so He had to tear down the old one. Yes, He knew it would be painful, but He held my hand every step of the way.
"....Let us exult and rejoice in you;
"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord." ~ Jeremiah 30:17
It became clear that I needed healing...healing that couldn't come while being in a relationship. So we broke up.
I am convinced there is no pain greater than that of a broken heart. For weeks, it felt as if my heart were bleeding and that I was helpless to stop it. I sobbed before the Lord. I was lost in trying to understand how He could let my little heart suffer so much. If He truly knew my heart, He must know how small and fragile it was.
Yet, our God has a funny way of answering our prayers. I prayed for a greater ability to love and He answered by allowing my heart to be broken so that He could rebuild it. I wanted a new heart, so He had to tear down the old one. Yes, He knew it would be painful, but He held my hand every step of the way.
"....Let us exult and rejoice in you;
let us celebrate your love: it is beyond wine!
Rightly do they love you!"
~ Song of Songs 1:4
It was during this time that I truly fell deeply in love with Jesus. So much of my life, I had been waiting for a man to love me wholly and sacrificially. I craved a partner with whom I confide my greatest sorrows and deepest fears. Yearning for intimacy, I failed to see that my truest Lover was before me, with arms outstretched and heart gaping open to pour out His love.
The Lord also showed me how much of my identity I placed in being a future wife and mother. Being in a relationship, I began to define myself as my boyfriend's "future wife" and the "future mother of his children." After we broke up, I realized that I had spent so much of my life defining myself in the future, not the present.
Most importantly, I did not have a strong identity as a loved daughter of God. And until one knows securely, confidently, unshakably that he/she is a beloved of the Father, they will struggle with understanding their purpose and who they are.
The Lord also showed me how much of my identity I placed in being a future wife and mother. Being in a relationship, I began to define myself as my boyfriend's "future wife" and the "future mother of his children." After we broke up, I realized that I had spent so much of my life defining myself in the future, not the present.
Most importantly, I did not have a strong identity as a loved daughter of God. And until one knows securely, confidently, unshakably that he/she is a beloved of the Father, they will struggle with understanding their purpose and who they are.
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding." ~ Proverbs 3:5
Since breaking up, I felt convicted by the Lord no longer to pray for my future husband. It surprised me when that came up in prayer one day. Why on earth would the Lord encourage me not to pray about something, especially when it concerned my vocation?
Prayer can cause attachments. Without realizing it, all the years I prayed for my future husband I became unhealthily attached to the idea of him, the idea of loving him, being loved my him. And in many ways, it subconsciously became the center of my life and my identity was rooted in it. I needed to let go and trust the Lord would take care of my future and the formation of my husband.
However, I still wanted him to be coated in prayer. So, I consecrated him to the Blessed Mother. She is my momma and I know she will be interceding for his holiness and purity!
I am not saying that it is wrong to pray for your future spouse. But as with anything, if you invest too much of your time and energy, something good can become something harmful. If you feel that you are praying for something that is causing you to become unhealthily attached, do not be afraid to offer up that person/intention to your Heavenly Mother. She loves praying for her children!
Prayer can cause attachments. Without realizing it, all the years I prayed for my future husband I became unhealthily attached to the idea of him, the idea of loving him, being loved my him. And in many ways, it subconsciously became the center of my life and my identity was rooted in it. I needed to let go and trust the Lord would take care of my future and the formation of my husband.
However, I still wanted him to be coated in prayer. So, I consecrated him to the Blessed Mother. She is my momma and I know she will be interceding for his holiness and purity!
...........................................
I am not saying that it is wrong to pray for your future spouse. But as with anything, if you invest too much of your time and energy, something good can become something harmful. If you feel that you are praying for something that is causing you to become unhealthily attached, do not be afraid to offer up that person/intention to your Heavenly Mother. She loves praying for her children!
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