The Pain in Healing

The past few weeks have been hell. So much pain. So much suffering. And yes, there was despair. Deep, lonely, inconsolable despair. It felt as if a boulder weighed down upon my heart, slowly crushing the life out of it. I pleaded with Jesus for an end.

Will I ever be free? Can I ever live a normal life again? For over a year, I have poured my heart and soul in pursuing healing! Why is it that I feel more broken than ever? I just want the tears to end. I want to know what it's like to be happy again.

I felt so broken that I didn't know how to pray. Day after day was like being stuck in a filthy, dark prison that was impossible to break free from. It took every ounce strength to summon the words, "Jesus, I trust in You." Even then my heart couldn't believe. Deeper and deeper I sank.

I couldn't understand why. Hadn't I endured enough suffering? All I felt was discouragement. I am weak. I will never be the woman I was created to be. There's no use in trying. I can never truly change.

These are all lies, brothers and sisters. I stand now in the light of truth and rebuke those lies in the name of Jesus. Because growth cannot come without pain. And to be healed, one has to suffer, deeply suffer, everything that they have tried to forget, everything that they have pushed away. Because as one grows, one learns to accept truth. And the truth is something we often do not want to acknowledge.

How much of our lives have we lived in denial? How truly are we really able to see our circumstances and the people around us? How many of us come from broken families? How many of us have suffered from abandonment? With alcoholism or an alcoholic family member? With abuse? So many of us do, yet we all struggle to accept this reality. Because facing this reality means feeling. It means feeling the loss of the time wasted in an imaginary world. It means allowing the harsh feelings of abandonment, addiction, and abuse to penetrate our very hearts. It means grieving the family we never had, the nurturing we never received. It means grieving the death of a life that felt so real but that never existed. And those feelings can be so painful there are times when it feels like they will break you. How tempting it is to want to return to blissful ignorance!

"Brothers and sisters:

For freedom Christ set us free;

so stand firm and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery."
~ Galatians 5:1

To seek healing is to be courageous. It is easier to live a life of denial than it is to embrace reality and allow it to change our hearts. Jesus wants you to be healed because true freedom cannot come without healing. Do not be afraid to suffer. Do not be discouraged as the waves of pain come. He will give you the strength and he will calm the seas.

My child,
Your cries are heard by me. My beloved child, how I love you. I have not left your side, not once.I know your pain. I am here to console you. Let me wrap my arms around you. Let me hold you as you shake with tears. I am here. You are not alone. Let me suffer with you. Don't push me away. My heart longs to be your refuge. Run into my heart, beloved. Nothing can happen to you when you seek refuge within my heart.

Healing Our Self Image

"I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this." ~ Psalm 139:4

             Several months ago, I knelt before the tabernacle in prayer. My heart was full of the desire to grow in love for my God and for His children. 

Jesus, I want my capacity for love to grow. I want to be able to love you with all of my heart and to bring your love to my brothers and sisters. Help my heart to feel what you feel- to feel joy when you are joyful and to feel pain when you are suffering. I want to love you more, my God! I want to be a little vessel, carrying the love in your Sacred Heart to others!

          I continued to pray earnestly for this gift. And as I prayed, Abba spoke to me reminding me of an important truth:

My Beloved Daughter,

It delights my heart to know of your desire to love me and others.

But while you grow in love for others, 

you must also continue to grow in self love.

          His words surprised me. Growing in self love wasn’t something I had much reflected on before. What did healthy self love even look like? When I think of someone loving himself/herself, a negative image comes to mind. I
picture Gastan (from Beauty and the Beast), a man who is always checking himself out in the mirror, believing there is no woman he could not win. Obviously, this is not true love and this is not what Jesus meant. But since I had a distorted idea of what healthy self love looked like, I wasn’t sure exactly what needed to change.


My Struggle with Self Love

 

"And he said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' " ~ Matthew 22:37-39 

         I have struggled with self love, especially as a teenager. I looked into the mirror and criticized what I saw. Everyday, I gave myself negative self talk and put myself down. And I believed what I said. I began to loathe my own person. Upon examining who I was, I saw everything but beauty and goodness.

         In hating myself, I sinned against Jesus and myself. I rejected both Jesus and myself. I did not treat myself like the daughter of God that I was.

        Loving yourself is a necessity! Why else would Abba make love of ourselves and others a commandment second only to loving Him with all of our hearts?


What does a holy self love look like?

           A healthy self love is rooted in humility. Humility is the truthful acknowledgment of who we are- not more, not less. Because we are the Chosen of the Father, the sons and daughters of the King, we should live in such a way that reflects our identity. This entails respecting ourselves, as well as one another.

          One thing I have observed is that the enemy loves to confuse us into thinking self love is selfish. That taking time for yourself- in essence, taking care of yourself- is wrong because you are taking time away from serving other people. Yet even Jesus encouraged the disciples to take time to rest and be rejuvenated!

"The apostles returned to Jesus and told him all that they had done and taught. And he said to them, 'Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.' For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves." ~ Mark 6:30-32

             Loving yourself also means being able to say no to control and manipulation and surrounding yourself with healthy relationships. Choosing to love out of freedom and not from guilt is an important part of loving yourself as well as the people around you.

             When we love ourselves as we ought, we see ourselves as priceless and we respect our own worth. And when we truly can look at ourselves and see the value of who we are, we are also better able to see the value in our brothers and sisters!

 

Jesus Heals

“Behold, I make all things new.” ~ Revelation 21:5

         It is through the redeeming grace and love of God that I am more freely able to see myself and know that I am a treasure. From Jesus, I have slowly been receiving healing for my self image, learning how to accept myself and love myself, imperfections and all. My Father has unleashed His ocean of mercy upon me! Now I see myself and know that I am beautiful and loved perfectly. Praise God for His endless mercy!

         During one of my more intense moments of healing, Jesus gave me a vision of Him holding me. He was beaming at me, pointing out different parts of my body and saying:

"This is exactly how our Father wanted you. 

He delights in how beautifully He has made you!"

        Immediately a joy swelled up inside of me. I rejoiced in the careful detail of my Beloved Father. How much tenderness and joy He must have put into creating me!

Ways to Grow in Self Love


Forgive yourself. Go to Confession and then believe you have been forgiven. Refuse to hold on to guilt and shame. Believe that because God has extended limitless mercy to you and He also expects you to do the same to yourself.

Affirm yourself and graciously accept the affirmations of others. You are good. You are beautiful. You are enough. Where there is love, there is no room for condemnation. Many times, the Lord affirms us through the words of others. Accept words of affirmation others give to you and then give God the glory.

Be patient with yourself. You fail, you make the same mistakes over and over again. Yet, I challenge you to be as patient with yourself as our Heavenly Father is with you!

Take care of yourself. Eat healthfully and exercise. Get enough sleep. Take your medicine. If you are sick, go to a doctor! If you are struggling emotionally, see a counselor! Take time to pursue your dreams.

Speak and claim the truth over your life. Abba has provided us scripture full of the truth of who we are. Speak these words over your life. Ephesians 1:5; John 1:12; Romans 6:6; Genesis 1:27; Jeremiah 1:5; 1 Corinthians 12:27; 1 Peter 2:9

Look to the crucifix. Be reminded about how much you are worth! You are worth dying for. You have been ransomed through the ultimate sacrifice. Meditate on Jesus' gift of self to you.

Ask Jesus to show you what you look like through His eyes. This literally changed my life. The way our God sees us is so vastly different than how we see ourselves. We look at ourselves and see the sin, the evil, the imperfections. Jesus looks at us and sees the object of His love- His heart's desire. He wants to show you who you are and is waiting to be asked!

         Today is Good Friday. What better reminder could there be of our Lord's intimate love for us? God's love is unveiled in a unbelievable way. How much He gave for us, to be in communion with us should we choose to accept Him! In loving Jesus and walking through with Him through His passion, be reminded of how desperately He wants you to be free....Free to love Him, to love your brothers and sisters, and to love yourself.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." ~ I John 3:1-2

Why I No Longer Pray for my Future Husband

"I adjure you, Daughters of Jerusalem, 

by the gazelles and the does of the field, 

Do not awaken, or stir up love until it is ready." 

~ Song of Songs 2:7 

       What can I say- I am a hopeless romantic.

       At the age of thirteen, it brilliantly dawned on me that if I were called to motherhood, I would need a husband. And having a husband one day made my little heart anxious- anxious because it meant that I would someday have to share my life with someone devotedly forever. What if I married someone who stopped loving me at some point in our marriage? What if he wasn’t present to our children? And the thing that frightened me the most: what if he did not have a pure heart?

       I knew what I wanted someday in a husband: a strong, loving, romantic, virtuous, gentle, masculine man who would love Abba and seek Him with all of his heart. A man who would not be afraid to feel, to be alive, to be himself. And as I was planning on being his future wife someday, I took it upon myself to pray fervently for him. So at thirteen, I cut out little hearts out of paper and took an empty jar. Throughout the day, I would offer up sacrifices for the man I hoped to love in person one day. After each sacrifice, I would put one of the paper hearts in the jar. The hearts were a tangible reminder of my praying for him, thinking of him. Each heart said I love you and encouraged me in my wait for my prince. How I smiled with satisfaction as I saw the jar become more and more filled with my loving prayers!
      

       Throughout high school, I continued to pray for my future husband. Every mass was offered for him. I thought about him, imagined what he would look like. I would imagine where we would meet, the dates we would go on, the adventures we would have. I thought about how he would encourage me into holiness, how he would protect me, fight for me, do anything to win my heart. How that thrilled me- to think of myself as being desired so badly that a man would do anything to secure my love! Expectantly, I wondered at each man I met, wondering when the day would be that I would meet “the one.” Eager and impatient, I waited and waited.

        During the years of singleness, I gradually fell in love with the idea of being a mother and a wife. My heart ached- yearned for the time when I would share my heart with another. My life's purpose seemed to be on hold. When would I be able to share my heart with someone? When would I be able to turn my prayers into more "tangible" acts of love? How I longed for the day when the desires of my heart would be satisfied! When my vocation would be fulfilled!

 

      In college, I prided myself on the fact I was actively loving a man I didn't know. With incredible joy, I would share with people that I had been faithfully praying for my future spouse from such a young age. What a beautiful wife I would make some day! Surely, the man who end up with me would be one blessed hunk!

       Finally at the age of twenty, I fell in love and entered my first relationship with a wonderful man. I thought I was ready to love a man- that all my years of prayers for him had somehow prepared my heart for the suffering and selflessness. Boy, was I wrong. How humbling it was to realize that I was really an inexperienced lover. Many, many, many times I failed. Because of my own brokenness I was unable to receive love. Because of my woundedness, I was unable to share my heart. I had thought that I was so ready to give my heart- that I had so much to give. But the reality was that my heart was unable to be vulnerable. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't give my own heart because I needed the Lord to fill me with love to give. We cannot give that which we have not received.

       For two years, I struggled aimlessly to love. The center of my life was my boyfriend. I tried desperately to please him, to make him happy, to show him that my heart delighted in him. Yet, there was a noticeable disconnect between how much I loved him and how I was able to show him my love. I was stuck in a rut and I couldn't get out. 

Something had to change. 

Jesus, help me to love. Lend me Your Sacred Heart. I want to love as You love. Heal my heart so that I freely give and receive love.

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord." ~ Jeremiah 30:17

       It became clear that I needed healing...healing that couldn't come while being in a relationship. So we broke up.

       I am convinced there is no pain greater than that of a broken heart. For weeks, it felt as if my heart were bleeding and that I was helpless to stop it. I sobbed before the Lord. I was lost in trying to understand how He could let my little heart suffer so much. If He truly knew my heart, He must know how small and fragile it was.

       Yet, our God has a funny way of answering our prayers. I prayed for a greater ability to love and He answered by allowing my heart to be broken so that He could rebuild it. I wanted a new heart, so He had to tear down the old one. Yes, He knew it would be painful, but He held my hand every step of the  way.

"....Let us exult and rejoice in you;

let us celebrate your love: it is beyond wine!

Rightly do they love you!" 

~ Song of Songs 1:4

       It was during this time that I truly fell deeply in love with Jesus. So much of my life, I had been waiting for a man to love me wholly and sacrificially. I craved a partner with whom I confide my greatest sorrows and deepest fears. Yearning for intimacy, I failed to see that my truest Lover was before me, with arms outstretched and heart gaping open to pour out His love.

       The Lord also showed me how much of my identity I placed in being a future wife and mother. Being in a relationship, I began to define myself as my boyfriend's "future wife" and the "future mother of his children." After we broke up, I realized that I had spent so much of my life defining myself in the future, not the present.

      Most importantly, I did not have a strong identity as a loved daughter of God. And until one knows securely, confidently, unshakably that he/she is a beloved of the Father, they will struggle with understanding their purpose and who they are.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding." ~ Proverbs 3:5

       Since breaking up, I felt convicted by the Lord no longer to pray for my future husband. It surprised me when that came up in prayer one day. Why on earth would the Lord encourage me not to pray about something, especially when it concerned my vocation?

       Prayer can cause attachments. Without realizing it, all the years I prayed for my future husband I became unhealthily attached to the idea of him, the idea of loving him, being loved my him. And in many ways, it subconsciously became the center of my life and my identity was rooted in it. I needed to let go and trust the Lord would take care of my future and the formation of my husband.

       However, I still wanted him to be coated in prayer. So, I consecrated him to the Blessed Mother. She is my momma and I know she will be interceding for his holiness and purity!

       ...........................................

      I am not saying that it is wrong to pray for your future spouse. But as with anything, if you invest too much of your time and energy, something good can become something harmful. If you feel that you are praying for something that is causing you to become unhealthily attached, do not be afraid to offer up that person/intention to your Heavenly Mother. She loves praying for her children!